Good leadership is like parenting in reverse: you don't start by telling someone what to do, but with the lightest form of leadership. You give room, watch and applaud. Only when results are disappointing or boundaries are crossed do you shift down step by step to supporting, coaching and, if you really have to, directing. In this piece, we look at this theory by prof. dr. Bas Kodden, which he learnt from his mentor, leadership guru Marshall Goldsmith.
In an earlier blog we already discussed stepping in and stepping out: at what moments should you intervene as a manager, and when shouldn't you? Parenting in reverse offers a handy model for this.
How parents lead their children
Parents use a different leadership style in each stage of their children's lives. Kodden explains it like this in an interview with Boom Management:
- Directive with young children. Finish your plate, brush your teeth, go to school. Young children don't yet know what they want, so you tell them what to do.
- Coaching with teenagers. Have a think about this course or that solution. But it's your life, you choose.
- Supporting with young adults. You help them, for example, with a contribution towards a first home or an extra course of study.
- Applauding with adult children. You no longer tell them anything and you no longer coach either. What remains is applauding: well done, I'm proud of you.
According to Goldsmith and Kodden, it works exactly the other way round with professionals. You start with the last step. Boom Management
The right way: start by applauding
According to Kodden, what a good leader does is start with what he calls the highest form of leadership: letting people take the lead. You give professionals room to develop their talents, grow and do their work in their own way. You watch and give the applause when things go well.
That is also the hardest style. Because to be able to sit back, you have to let go of control. And that goes against the primary reactions that come up in almost every manager.
Note: applauding is not the same as laissez-faire. With laissez-faire, you let everything take its course and you are not there when things go wrong either. With parenting in reverse, you stay sharply alert. As Kodden puts it: room is created by its boundaries. Self-organisation only works when it is clear what results must be achieved, how we treat each other and how much autonomy everyone has.
Shifting down when needed
Are the results disappointing? Then you shift down, like a Formula 1 driver, one gear at a time:
- First support. What extra training, tools or guidance do you need to fill your role well?
- Then coach. If the results continue to lag, you start coaching. Have you thought of this, have you thought of that?
- Only then direct. If it still doesn't work, you become more directive. Because it can't go on without results either.
With unacceptable behaviour, it is different. Then, according to Kodden, you have no choice: you have to step in immediately. Anyone who lets that moment pass and tries to put it right later in a one-to-one has already lost their authority.
There is one thing you don't do in any gear: take over the work. Kodden calls that helping, and helping costs energy. The monkey is then on your shoulder and the employee loses ownership.
The wrong way: the 3 Cs
The big pitfall for many managers, especially when they are new somewhere or when results are disappointing, is that they start straight away with the directive style. Kodden sums up that style in three Cs: coordinating, commanding and controlling. Measuring everything against processes, procedures and protocols to feel that you are in control.
On paper it may then add up. But according to Kodden, it is precisely this style that destroys work engagement. You take over your employees' problems, their energy at work drops and they no longer get a chance to develop their talents.
Kodden contrasts this with the R3 leadership style: requiring results, giving direction and offering room. So not less leadership, but different leadership. You are clear about what needs to happen and why, and you leave the how to your people. Boom Management
Why it is so hard: fear, ego and empathy
If parenting in reverse is so logical, why do so few managers do it? According to Kodden, it is because of three drivers, which he also calls the kisses of death:
- Fear. You are afraid of losing control and that something will go wrong. So you step in when it isn't necessary. Or you don't dare to confront someone when you should.
- Ego. You are too present and take the applause yourself, when it belongs to the team.
- Too much empathy. You see someone struggling and start helping. Well meant, but that is how you take over ownership.
Or as Kodden sums it up: most managers step in when they should step out, and step out when they should step in. EW Collegereeksen
Don't forget your best people
A big danger with employees who are doing very well is that they no longer get any attention. All the attention goes to the less well-performing colleague, because you think they need it most. But whatever gets attention grows, and the reverse is also true. Without attention, your best people leave for the competition.
So give precisely your best-performing and most motivated employees attention by applauding. That way they keep growing and you put your time and energy into the people who deliver the most.
That also applies to managers themselves, by the way. According to Gallup's latest State of the Global Workplace report, manager engagement worldwide fell from 31 per cent in 2022 to 22 per cent in 2025. Anyone who keeps controlling everything themselves wears out not only their team, but also themselves. Gallup
In short
- With professionals, start by giving room and applauding, not by directing.
- Set clear boundaries: results, ways of working together and the degree of autonomy.
- When results are disappointing, shift down one step at a time: support, coach, direct.
- Step in immediately when there is unacceptable behaviour.
- Don't help by taking over the work.
- Watch out for your own fear, ego and empathy.
So step into the background, observe and show good leadership at the moments it is needed. Want to read more? Kodden worked out this model with journalist Eduard van Brakel in the e-book Leidinggeven is omgekeerd opvoeden (Leadership is parenting in reverse; Boom, 2019, in Dutch).
